If I Could Write a Letter To Me

I was driving home the other night and that song by Brad Paisley, Letter to Me, came on the radio.  If you haven't heard the song before, he sings about all the things he would write in a letter to himself at age 17.  Man, I love that song, and man, I love B-rad.  Listening to it got me thinking about all the things I would tell my teenage self.  OH yeah....that's a long list.  So here it is...a letter to myself (or any teenager for that matter) at age 17.

Dear 17-year-old self, 

Right now is a pretty crazy time for you.  In just a year you're gonna graduate and be off on your own.  You're deciding where you should go and what you want to do with your life, and it all seems a little scary and totally overwhelming.  You don't have to worry about the details of it all though because everything irons out how it should.

Sometimes you feel a little confused about who you are and what your purpose is.  You wonder if the only thing going for you is basketball.  Sometimes you might not feel pretty.  You might feel like you could be tanner, that your hair could be longer, or that your legs are too big, but you are beautiful just the way you are.  Everyone has insecurities.  You're not the only one.  Take comfort in that all your friends around you are trying to figure out the whole self-confidence thing too.  Even though you might not want to take the time out everyday to do it, and He seems a little distant and unreachable, pray to your Heavenly Father about what's in your heart.  He'll bring you comfort and remind you that you're a daughter of God.  

Invest time in your family.  They will be your best friends forever.  You may not want to spend time with your parents on the weekends, but every now and again, stay home, hang with and talk to them.  They are dying to hear about what's going on in your life and will give you the best advice anyone can give you.  Even if you think they're antiquated and don't understand...they do.  

Love your siblings. Your brothers and sisters will always share your childhood.  No one will understand that part of you like your siblings do.  There's a special bond there.  Don't underestimate how much their friendship will mean to you because you don't think they understand.  They love you and always will.

Just because you're going to college doesn't mean you're an adult.  So quit acting like you know it all.  And just because you're going to college, it doesn't mean you'll have all the answers now that you're on your own.  Value the time you have left with your family because you'll miss them a lot that first semester away from home.  And actually...every semester of college after that.  Especially your Mom.  That first semester away from home is gonna be a doozy.  Really tough stuff.  You'll wanna bag the whole college scene and go closer to home.  But you'll find one of your best friends in an unexpected place.  He'll help you navigate the whole freshman scene.  You might feel alone for a little while at first, but be patient, "everything is unfolding as it should."

College will be full of ups and downs.  Mostly ups, but the downs will sometimes seem unbearable.  Don't let those times break you.  Be strong and hopeful.  Rely on your friends and family.  Especially your Mom.  She will be your anchor, even though she seems really far away.  When you talk to her, everything won't feel quite as intense and hard as you think it is.  She'll bring you comfort and the best advice anyone can give you simply because she's your mom.  She knows you better than anyone else in the whole world.  She has been your advocate and number one fan from the moment you took your first breath.  Value that relationship.  It's a special one.

Be proud of who you are.  Harness the happiness inside of you.  Don't let anyone make you feel dumb for having a good attitude and being happy.  Enjoy the fun you'll have in college!  Take school seriously, but not too seriously.  Work hard, but enjoy the social aspect.  Make friends and build relationships.  They'll be some of your most valuable relationships.

Your heart is gonna get broken.  Twice.  The first time will be unexpected, and it won't even be because of a boy.  You'll lose your best friend.  Your paths will take different directions, and it will be harder than you ever would've thought.  It may not seem like it at the time, but one day that friendship will heal.  Bridges can be built over bridges that have burned.  You will spend a lot of lonely nights at home, but thankfully your home at that time will be with a family that will become like your own.  There will be two children you'll nanny for that will become two of your best friends.  You'll love them with your whole heart, and they'll help you overcome what you're going through without even realizing it.  At that time, go to church.  Be involved.  You'll meet people that will change your life.  You'll be strengthened and reminded of the love that God has for you.  I want you to know that if you ever forget who you are, you can get on your knees and ask God to remind you.  Because he will always remind you.

The second time will be because of a boy.  It will be hard, and you'll shed lots of tears.  You'll drive to California on a whim to get a change of scenery for the summer.  Then you'll drive right back because it wasn't for you.  But don't be discouraged because there's something really incredibly awesome waiting for you in Utah.  

It's a boy.

But not just any boy.  It's your best friend.  It's the person that makes you better.  And happy.  Sweet merciful, you'll be happy.  You'll start to realize that everything up to that point was just one more stepping stone on your way to him.  He'll let you be Y O U .  You won't have to try, your relationship will just fall into place.  It will continue to feel right.  So right that spending a day without him feels weird.  So right that you'll know really quickly that he's the one you'll want to spend forever with.  People are gonna think you're crazy for moving so fast, but follow your heart on this one.  It'll be the best decision you've ever made.  And you'll call him Buns.  You can imagine why.

Right after your one-year anniversary with your boo snack, you'll have a baby.  Yep, that's right, you heard me, a B-A-B-Y.  And it'll be a girl.  A beautiful baby girl.  She'll rock your world at first.  It will be a hard adjustment, but the best adjustment you'll ever make.  She'll soften your heart, and you'll develop a love for her that rocks your socks off.  At first it develops slowly, but one day look at her, and just by looking at her, you'll be brought to tears.  She'll come to mean everything to you.  Your world will revolved around her and your hubby, and you'll love every second of it except for the seconds that you don't because sometimes you won't.  

Marriage can be hard sometimes.  You'll continually learn and grow with each other.  You'll recognize some things about your personality that you never really knew before you got married.  Be patient with each other.  Most importantly, have fun.  Don't take yourselves too seriously.  Make time to go on dates.  Dates will strengthen your relationship.  Communication is also so important!  It might be a little different at first, because you've never been one to talk about your feelings a lot, but again, it will strengthen your relationship.  FO SHO.

I guess my biggest advice is to choose happiness.  Because it's a choice.  Enjoy the people around you.  Enjoy the opportunities around you.  Enjoy the journey of learning and growing.  Smile as often as possible.  Laugh even more.  There are so many beautiful reasons you have to be happy Ashton.  

See ya in 7 years girl!

❤, Ashton Tilton

Humpty-Dumpty: The Golden Egg

Humpty Dumpty:  Yesterday at church before the third meeting, I handed Roni off to Buns (to learn more about the third meeting, click here).  I was a free woman!  Hollaaaa.  For one hour, I could sit and enjoy the messages that were shared.  The meeting started off with a thought from a sister who has had a tough hand dealt to her in life.  She started off by sharing very personal struggles.  She is a beautiful woman but shared her struggles with self-esteem and self-worth.  Throughout her life because of her past, she has felt at times, worthless.  My heart sank.  

That morning before she church,  she was getting ready, going over in her head the message she had already prepared to share with us.  She looked at herself in the mirror and thought of the movie she watched with her children the night before, Puss in Boots.  It seemed silly but her heart swelled, and she knew she needed to bag the message she had already prepared and share the story of Humpty Dumpty (according to Puss in Boots) instead.  

I've never seen the movie, but from what I understood, Humpty was known as a criminal in the beginning.  Puss in Boots, the defender of good, and Humpty Dumpty, the criminal, became the most unlikely friends.  In the beginning, Humpty robbed the bank and Puss was framed, so they had to flee from the police.  Throughout the movie, they face all sorts of adventures and obstacles.  Some they overcame easily and some not so much.  At the end of the movie, Humpty Dumpty wants to fix his mistakes and sacrifices himself to save the day by jumping off of a canyon cliff (I'm probably slaughtering this story haha but we're gettin' to the good stuff).  When Puss in Boots goes to see where Humpty fell in the canyon, he sees a Golden Egg surrounded by cracked egg shell.  Humpty survived the fall, and Puss says, "I always knew you were good inside."

The woman that told this story explained that sometimes its hard to find the good in others or even to find the good in yourself.  We are hard on others and even harder on ourselves:  we are our worst critics.  We let outside appearances or past indiscretions taint our opinions of others and contort the lens through which we see ourselves.  We're quick to pass judgement instead of quick to forgive and love.  She told about how ironically she was driving to church and passed by a man that she immediately judged based on his outward appearance.  She caught herself mid-judgement and was reminded of Humpty Dumpty: the Golden Egg.  She felt impressed that he was someone's Golden Egg.  That we are all someone's Golden Egg.  That we are all God's children, and we need to see people as who they can become.  Seeing them as someone who's has tremendous worth and potential.  Because we've all got serious potential, if only we could see it!

And that was her message:  That we are all Golden Eggs.  We all have imperfections and parts of ourselves that we feel just don't quite make the cut.  Parts of us that make us feel less than.  Things about ourselves we wish we were better at.  This woman shared that in the eyes of the world, she might not have accomplishments or characteristics that define her as successful and beautiful.  But in God's eyes, she is both.  In God's eyes she is more beautiful than she can even fathom.  I can't even begin to describe the power that was in her message!  I felt strength and reassurance in the fact that I am a Golden Egg.  That you are a Golden Egg!  I felt confidence in that truth.  We all have such different exteriors and live in such different circumstances, but we find common ground in that we are all beautiful sons and daughters of a God who loves us with a love that is infinite and unconditional.  I hope you feel that today.  Especially if today is a day you feel a little less than or like you're not quite enough.  Because you are.  For heaven sakes, you really are!

Cheers to being Golden Eggs y'all.
❤, Ashton Tilton

Recycled: Love Your Girls

Just because I'm too lazy to write something original today, here is a recycled post of mine from a couple years ago.  A piece of something that I'm passionate about.  Love your girls!  AND HAPPY FRIDAY Y'ALL.  We made it.

I've been in the process of organizing an "I Am Beautiful" program for groups of girls 15-18 at a local youth detention center revolving around bullying and finding true beauty based off of BYU Woman's Resources' "Recapturing Beauty" launch in 2010.  The whole process has been slow and it took me a while to really put my nose to the grind in doing it.  But after talking with one of my 6th grade girls that I student taught a couple months ago about her battle with bullying, nasty, incessant name-calling, vicious notes passed about her, and feeling that all the horrible things said about her must be true..."Why else wouldn't I have any friends Mrs. Barrett?"  My heart broke in two when she told me that, and I knew I needed to step up to the plate.  For whatever reason, I am pretty dang passionate about all things womanhood, inner beauty, empowerment, and confidence...feeling your self worth and seeing your beauty.   Especially these young girls who NEED to not only see their beauty but discover what beauty really is....especially at such a young age.  That's where it starts.  Bullying is real.  Your own children, teenagers, nieces, nephews, grand-kids, etc...it's a reality for them.  Children need to know they are loved.  They need kind words.  They need to learn to know their self-worth, so if they face bullying, they'll have the confidence to brush it off and stand tall despite what's thrown their way.  Even if your child isn't the victim of bullying, they see it.  They know what it looks like.  Teach them what it looks like.  Teach them to stand up for those who are mistreated.  Teach them to be kind.  Show them their worth by using kind, encouraging, and constructive words.  Hold high expectations for them, but don't expect perfection. Expect them to recognize their mistakes, take responsibility for their actions, and strive to do better in the future because they can. Make sure they know that you know, they can succeed.  

Bottom line...love them. Love them for who they are.  Love them unconditionally.

The following video is a poem by Shane Koyczan, a victim of bullying.  Stumbled across this and loved it.  I was taken back at first by some intense parts, but I love the message he is sending about beauty.

"...because they see her heart before her skin."

“  … and if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself, get a better mirror, look a little closer, stare a little longer, because there’s something inside you that made you keep trying despite everyone who told you to quit.”

Support. Empower. Connect.

XOXO

Relating to this topic is a really wonderful article by fitvillians...Talk about a powerhouse of womanhood.
Please read, worth your time.

"When kids are younger — especially before they’re consuming tons of media and have friends — they get almost all of their behavioral cues from their parents. If their parents think it’s okay to call people names, then they’ll think it’s okay to call people names. If their mom hates her body, they can learn to hate their bodies, too. 

If you want kids to learn that all people are equal and good, it requires vigilance. You can’t change the world around you — and you can’t always protect them — but you can explain to them that everyone’s equal, and you can say it again and again.This goes double for disparaging your own body in front of your children. 

My mom always struggled with what she perceived to be fatness, and therefore was always on a diet. I don’t know how many disparaging comments I’ve heard her say about herself in my life, but if I had a dollar for every one, I could probably pay for my enormous amounts of therapy. 

It’s hard enough to be a woman in our sexist culture, and the greatest gift we can give our girls is confidence in themselves — and that includes their bodies. As a parent, you’re competing with a plethora of outside influences — TV, advertising, friends, bullies, teachers — for your child’s attention. Inevitably, we’re all screwing up the kids around us — don’t worry, we’re teaching them good lessons, too! — but this is one thing that’s so freaking important. 

A girl’s sense of self is everything."

Ashton Tilton Uncovered

Ashton Tilton Uncovered. I really wish I could use the crying-laughing emoji in the title of this post (like I've mentioned in previous posts, I am SO on the emoji train...why haven't they come out with more yet??).  I was trying to come up with something clever for this post, but I basically kept thinking of all the trashy magazines I read that have titles like, "How It All Fell Apart" or "My Life As An Addict" or "Inside So-and-So's Breakdown" or "So-and-so's Nightmare" or "Is She Pregnant" (I read an embarrassingly large quantity of gossip mags).  Don't worry none of those titles have anything to do with my life or what I'm going to share in the post haha, but that's what went through my head as I tried to brainstorm a title.  "About Me" seemed too boring and "Ashton's Secret Life" (the People Magazine version of this post) seemed too scandalous.  Hahaha.

So I thought I'd go with the next best People Magazine title...."Ashton Tilton Uncovered". (I'm dying inside because I can't put a crying-laughing emoji after that...I mean, HOW do people express their emotions on blogs these days?).

Even though I have an "About Me" section (boring) for this blog (if you haven't checked it out, it's at the top of the blog, under my title or click here), but I thought it might be fun to share some more things about myself that y'all might not know.  Feeling spontaneous and oddly in a revealing mood, so I hope you enjoy!  Filters are down!

1.  For most of high school and every summer in Tennessee throughout college before I got married, I scooped dog poo for work.  Okay, okay...there was a little bit more to it than that, but I was a "kennel technician".  Looked fancy on a youngin's resume, but basically I played with, fed, medicated, and "pottied" dogs.  And here's a shocker:  I loved it.  5% of the time I really hated it, but the other 95% I couldn't have been happier about it.

2.  I took a lot of art classes (mostly photography) in high school.  I wanted to go to school for photography.  I didn't have a lot of experience and still needed to learn a lot, but I applied anyway at BYU.  I didn't get in.  Tough at first, but I figured I didn't need a degree to do what I loved, so I started looking elsewhere for what I wanted to study.  

3.  Then I found teaching.  Don't ask me how I decided that or where it stemmed from, but I wanted to be an Elementary School teacher.  I wanted to work with little nuggets and teach them their ABCs.  Once I got through all the hellish GEs that colleges make you suffer through, I got into my major classes and finally got to TEACH.  And I knew.  I knew I picked the perfect fit for me.  I love teaching.  One day I will be back in a classroom.

4.  I hate cooking.  The only reason I do it, is because I take a lot of joy in sitting down together as a family (even though it's just Todd, Reese, and I) for a meal.  If I didn't find joy in that, then my family would be screwed.  Cooking is a little too tedious and messy for me.  Too much clean-up.  OH THE CLEAN-UP.  Except for I've finally trained Todd (insert crying-laughing emoji) to do the dishes after every meal.  Trained is a strong word, but a strong effort was made, so "trained" will be used.

5.  I am a hopeless romantic.  

6.  I am an artist at heart.  I kind of hate saying that because I feel like there's a stereotype associated with being artsy, but I'm sick of that, so here I am declaring that I am indeed an artist.  Or as Todd would say, I'm "artsy-fartsy".  I love to create beautiful things.  Don't get me wrong, not like VanGogh or anything.  I'm not about to draw you a self-portrait because you'd come out of the experience having very low self-esteem, BUT I do love to make things pretty.  It makes me happy.  

7.  I am Christian, and I am a Mormon.  I have faith in God and Jesus Christ.  I believe in goodness.  I have faith in the future and joy in my present because I know that I am a daughter of God.  Don't even get me started on being a child of God.  I believe that if everyone knew their divinity and what it means to be a child of God, a domino effect would ensue, and the world would change for the better.  

8.  On the subject of being a daughter of God, I'm a little bit of a feminist.  Just like being an "artist" has a stereotype, being a "feminist" definitely has a stereotype and often negative connotation.  I'm here to discount that.  I believe that women are beautiful, wonderful, and amazing.  I think the world loves to tell women that they are not enough.  That they fall short.  Not pretty enough.  Not smart enough.  Not successful enough.  Not a good mother.  Not a good wife.  You name it, the world tells us we fall short.  And I hate it.  I know how crappy it is when I feel burdened by expectations, but it really breaks my heart when I hear other women talk about how they feel less than enough.  

9.  Even though I definitely don't do it everyday, I love to lift weights.  Really love to lift weights.  I don't know what it is, but it makes me feel empowered haha.  

10.  I have two part time jobs.  I am a housing manager and work online for Google.  Both allow me to be an at home mom, which was important to me personally when I found out we were pregnant with Roni.  I got offered a teaching position to teach 6th grade, but after a lot of prayer turned it down to stay at home with Reese.  Sometimes financially it's hard, but everything has truly worked out for the best.

11.  Not about me, but it might as well be:  My husband is going to BYU to get his undergrad in Public Health, and then he applies for Physical Therapy school next summer.  The next handful of years are going to have a lot of change in store for our little family!

12.  The stress of having to plan out every second of every day to make sure I get all of my responsibilities done is sometimes so incredibly overwhelming.  Every once in a while a day comes around where I let it debilitate me.  I get down on myself for not doing it all.  Sound familiar ladies?  I'm really trying to learn to let go and realize that I can't do it all!  But some days are hard. 

13.  I love Christmas and think about it throughout the whole year.  Traditions.  Christmas lights.  Snuggling up for a movie while it's snowing outside.  Candy canes.  Remembering Christ's birth.  Christmas tree.  Festive outfits.  Hot chocolate.  Santa Claus.  Carols.  Elf.  Elf on a Shelf.  Family.  Baked goods.  Etc, etc, etc...  I love making that time of year magical for our family.  Because it's a magical time.  It really is.

14.  I have a hard time saying no to anyone.  Major flaw folks.  I often find myself saying yes, yes, yes and then later saying sorry, sorry, sorry.  Because most of the time I overdo myself and can't keep my obligations because I've said yes to so many things!  Sorry if you know me personally and that's happened before.  I really am trying to get better.  I hate it.

15.  My dream backyard is the one in Parenthood.  I dream about community, family, and friends all sharing a wonderful time with each other in a homey, warm, loving atmosphere.  The people in my life mean the world to me, and it's hard that right now my life is so busy that I don't get to spend as much time with them as I would like.  Friends and family have always been my anchor.  I love them all so freakin' much.  Wish I had all the time in the world to spend with each of them personally, so they knew how much they mean to me.  

16.  I better stop here because you're getting bored haha.  But I also really love nail polish.  Obsessed.  OCD.  The end.

In the comment section (even if you've never left a comment before in your entire life!) share with me 3 things about you that I don't know, and if you're a reader who just follows along, introduce yourself!  I would love to get to know my readers!  

Love y'all.  Thanks for your support and kindness.  
Happy Thursday!  One more day till Friday!  Hollaaaaa.

XO, Ashton Tilton

Guest Post: Brittany York

My heart is full today.  Today, my blog takes a turn in the direction I want it to go.  I want this place to be a place where I share the joys and downfalls of my day to day.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I place where I share what's on my mind and in my heart.  A place where I share my passions and what makes me happy.   But where I also share the tough stuff.  I figure that maybe as I share those things, others will recognize that they're not the only ones going through tough stuff.  Building a community.  Sharing the stories of all kinds of women.  A place where we are real and honest.  Because sometimes honesty is hard to come by.  But here I am today, introducing one of my first guest writers who proves to me that we are not the only ones who struggle as mamas.  That no one's perfect...and that's okay. 

Brittany York is a fellow southern lady from the land of Louisiana.  She is a beautiful wife to her hubby and a mama bear to her beautiful boys Knox and Madden.  She is a fashion guru and shares her love for fashion with the gramming world through her photos of life in Louisiana with her two wild and stylish boys.  The greatest thing about this mama is that she is just as radiant on the inside as she is on the outside.  This one's got a heart of gold, and today she shares a piece of it.  She knows that life is not always as picture perfect as we see it portrayed in social media and that's okay, because that's reality.  She is my favorite kind of woman.  Real, honest, and equipped with a beautiful heart.

"Yesterday was a hard day. One of those days where at the end of it you are lying in bed too exhausted to even sleep, needing a shower after going three straight days without one, and staring at the piles of clean clothes that appear to be dirty because they haven't been folded since they were pulled out of the dryer three...no four days ago.

Yesterday was a long day. The kids woke up early and cranky, demanding chocolate cake for breakfast, crying because they had to settle for oatmeal, and then throwing sippy cups across the table at each other because one of them looked at the other one.  The bickering continued as I attempted to brush my teeth and comb my hair…..Madden yelling at Knox and pushing him for putting a finger on his toy, Knox crying and assuming it’s the end of the world because Madden wouldn’t share his toy …… and so on it went for the rest of the day…..fighting, crying, whining, and repeat.  Yesterday was a really long day.

Yesterday I questioned my role as teacher and provider for my kids. I wondered if I was doing something wrong as I watched a two year old count to 50 and sing his ABC’s and thought about my four year old who can only count to ten and thinks every letter is an A or a K. Yesterday I let my child eat dog food off the floor because frankly if he prefers that over the organic chicken nugget he was holding in the other hand he should have it.

Yesterday I lost my temper. Yesterday I hurt their feelings. Yesterday I felt overwhelmed. Yesterday I had a dirty house.  Yesterday I was exhausted. Yesterday I felt less than myself. Yesterday I felt inadequate for this job. Do I teach them enough? Am I disciplining them the right way?  Am I a good mom?

And scrolling through my Instagram feed at the end of yesterday only made the questions in my mind burn even more. There was that question again……. Am I a good mom? That’s the beauty (or ugly truth) of social media. Everyone can make anything look picture perfect. And it can make you wonder…. "Am I doing something wrong?”  You can pick and choose the pictures and words to document a fairytale life. I am guilty of the same thing….I know I am. I get asked often, “How are you so perfect? How do you keep it together? ” Let me be the first to apologize to you if I have ever given you that impression……. I am not perfect……far from it actually. I will never have myself put together every day and I will never have this mom thing figured out.

Do not get me wrong, I love social media! I enjoy being able to connect with people; being able to support and love and learn from mamas and families in every corner of the world from right where I sit in my tiny little home. But it has also been a curse….each day seeing pictures in my feed of a perfectly clean and decorated home, and a perfectly put together family in perfectly put together outfits with their perfect face and their perfect hair. And again…. this is me too…. I will not deny it….But what you don’t see when scrolling through your social media feed are all the behind the scene images. You don’t see the tantrums on the floor, the toys all over the living room floor, and the dirty dishes in the sink. You dn’t see the images of yesterday, when I was tired and broken, praying for just the strength to make it through the day and asking forgiveness from God and my children, because yesterday…..I failed them.

I failed them……….

Yesterday was hard. But today was a new day. We had snuggles in the morning and butterfly pancakes for breakfast. We went outside and played in the sprinkler, fed the ducks, and chased lizards in the backyard. We came in and the boys played together quietly on the floor while I put on some makeup and drank a cup of coffee. We laughed, and we read, and we wrestled, and we played. I saw so much joy beam out of their faces, and as I tucked them in to bed Madden kissed me and told me I was the best mommy ever. And as I laid down for bed….still ignoring the pile of clothes needing to be folded….I felt the urge to go wake them both again…..to go cuddle them some more and to tell them how much I love being their mommy. Today was such a good day.

I say all of this to remind you that if you are feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or less than…..KNOW that you are a good mom, a good wife, a good friend. You have not failed. Just because you lose your temper, have a never-ending, exhausting day or week, kids that throw tantrums at the slightest little thing, or find your breaking point….YOU are a GREAT MOM! The beauty of this life is that we get second chances over and over to make up for the yesterdays. Every day is a new day to be the better you. Do not feel inadequate and do not feel alone. Every mother who has ever lived has experienced these same moments and these same trials. Life is not a flawless Instagram feed. Those little white borders between each happy and perfect picture tells a much deeper story….the dirty, sad, and angry stuff that no one wants to post. Bad days happen, but they don’t last forever.

Being a mama is hard. Really freakin hard! But no one tells you how hard it is because they honestly don’t remember. Because the good days somehow trample and erase all the bad days. Hang in there Mama. Tomorrow is a new day.

Yesterday was not the end.  And today I was a better mother."

XO, Brittany York

Reese Takes Downtown Provo

A couple of days ago, I took Reese to our little downtown in Provo to take some pictures against this mural that's on one of the walls.  I see it every time I drive down Center Street and have always thought it would be the coolest spot to take some pictures.  So we did!  It was nice to get out of the house and get some fresh air.  I think we both needed it.  I love our little downtown.  Hope you enjoy the pics!  

On a completely different note, something I've been thinking a lot about lately is being more patient and kind to ourselves.  Sounds a little self-absorbed, but I really believe it's so important for every woman to learn that by taking care of yourself emotionally and mentally, you will be a better mom, wife, friend, and person in general.  It is not selfish to take time for yourself every now and again.  I believe it's necessary.  

"Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others." (Lama Yeshe)

Something that I really try to remember when I'm going through something tough, is that I'm probably not the only one.  What's made the biggest difference for me in tough times is leaning on the people that matter most in my life.   The people I trust and who I know love me no matter what.  I really feel like talking through whatever's going on in our lives helps us to navigate how we're really feeling and often helps us uncover resolutions we didn't even know we could come up with!  So I read this article, "Self-compassion: Learning to be Nicer to Ourselves," a while back when I was working on the "I Am Beautiful" campaign that really stood out to me.  In the article it gives a few things we can do to create compassion for ourselves.  It sounds cheesy, but I think as women we underestimate how important it is to remember to not be so hard on ourselves!
  
 One of the suggestions in the article was to embrace your common humanity.  In the article it says, 

"Many times when you criticize or judge yourself, you feel isolated.  It seems as though you are the only one in the world who has that particular flaw.  And yet, we are all imperfect.  We all suffer.  And so we are all connected by our shared humanity.  

One of the wonderful outcomes of self-compassion is our enhanced sense of belonging, the feeling that we are all in this together.  The next time you are looking in the mirror and not liking what you see, remember that you are an integral part of a flawed, wonderful, miraculous human tribe."

And you are!  Your part in this world is precious and meaningful.  You are here for a purpose.  Flaws and all!  We've all got 'em, and I really believe it's our flaws that teach us more about ourselves, and by learning how to navigate those flaws, we become stronger individuals.

My sister Megan gave me a scrapbook of pictures of me growing up for my 16th birthday, and it was stock full of quotes.  That scrapbook is worn and torn from all the times I opened it up to read the quotes and look at all the pictures of me growing up.  That book always reminded me that I was a daughter of God with my own story to tell.  It comforted me a lot in high school and college when I was trying to navigate who I was and what I contributed to the world I lived in.  One of my favorite quotes in the book was by Max Ehrmann.  It said, 

"You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world."

I hope all y'all remember that you have a purpose and are here for a reason.  Be kind to yourself!  You're doing better than you think. 

Happy Sunday!
XO, Ashton Tilton

Reese's Birth Story: The Good, the Bad, and the TMI

Let's start off by being real. This has been a very intimidating post for me to write. Partly because I want every emotion and every occurrence to be recorded perfectly and partly because we're getting down to the nitty gritty in this entry. We're talkin' hold nothing back sort of deal. You've been warned. I told myself that if I was going to write this down, then I would be 100% honest with myself and others because I really don't want it any other way. I don't even think I even realized all of the charged and powerful emotions that are associated with that day until I sat down and really thought through that day. I've always been hesitant to tell Reese's birth story because it was such an emotionally and physically (duh) exhausting experience for me and totally not what I expected. In the slightest. But I want it to be recorded for her and for me. Because maybe one day she'll experience similar feelings and will need to know that she wasn't the only one. 

What actually sparked me writing this post was talking with my sister-in-laws at a girls' over-nighter to Park City last weekend. All of Todd's sisters are in town, and they wanted to to have girl's night to gab, relax, and just take a break. We were doing our nails (because what girls' night is complete without doing your nails?), and we got on the topic of labor. Everyone was sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly about their various pregnancies. From epidurals to pushing to natural births, we covered just about everything. I found myself getting very anxious. I found myself thinking about how if I wanted more children (which I do) I would have to go through that again. And that's when I had a little panic attack. Was I capable of that? Could I go through something like that again? I felt myself getting nervous and sweaty. It was weird. But that forced me to come to terms with the fact that it would happen again. Because I really do genuinely and desperately want more children. I thought about the day Reese was born and for the first time ever, I really worked through the feelings I had that day. It was amazing and incredibly...spiritual. I feel silly using that word, but it's the perfect fit for how I was feeling that night.

So there's a little precursor to Reese's birth story and how I ended up here, on this blog, finally recording the day our baby girl came into our world...and how she totally rocked it.

I remember waking up that morning very, very calm. Our bags were packed, and all we had to do was shower and get ready. We were supposed to call when we woke up to make sure that it was time for us to come in. I called at 6:00am, and they said it would be a couple more hours. Todd went back to sleep, but there was no way in he*& that was happening for me. I showered and got ready, curls and all (ha! so not worth it for next time). By the time I was done, I called the hospital, and they gave us the okay. We were on our way!

When we got there, we rolled in with our bags, totally oblivous to what was about to happen. But seriously. When I think about walking into the hospital it was so incredibly surreal and unbelievably insane that next time we walked through those doors together, we'd have a baby. A baby, folks. A LIVING, BREATHING CHILD. Say what?

When we got to the room, the nurse set me up, and honestly I don't even remember what they give you, but I was given some sort of medication to help bring on the contractions. That was around 8:30am. At some point within the next hour or so, the doctor came in and broke my water.

WOAH.

That kind of rocked my world and was like here we go, I'm having a baby. It was like a switch went off in my head telling me that this was real. Heeeey there Ash, you're on your way to giving birth! Yikes. At that point though, I was surprisingly still very calm. Todd was being a champ, and we were learning things together as we went (because guess who didn't read any books, make a birthing plan, or take a class? THESE YOUNG BUCKS.) Everything was like, what's that, how does that work, is that procedure, does everyone else do it? We were very much band-wagoners that day. 

Right after the doctor broke my water, I wanted the epidural, and I wanted it fast. No pain for this chick. NO THANK YOU. I'll take that epidural and I'll take it now. 

WOAH #2. 

"Just sit very still in an extremely uncomfortable curl with your back sticking out so I can stick a needle the size of an AK-47 in your spine. And if you move...well, it's not good, so just don't," said the anesthesiologist.

Needless to say, I didn't move a muscle.

Once that was over though, most of the day part was kind of a blur. I didn't feel any contractions, Todd's family was at the hospital visiting, the nurse kept checking me to see how far along I was, and everything was pretty peachy. I was low stress and feeling very peaceful. 

And then I starting feeling them. Mild at first. Piercing later. Yep. Contractions. Todd called for the nurse, and she told me to press the button. They had given me this button to push when I felt like I was having contractions that upped the epi. I was pressin' that dang thing ALL. DAY. LONG. When the nurse told me to press it, I did as I was told and waited it out. 

I could still feel contractions. Not horribly but enough to make me worried about what was ahead. 

Pretty soon the nurse came in and told me I was 8 cm dilated. A lot of Todd's family was there at that point, and the nurse said I wasn't quite ready to push or anything yet, but she would tell them when they should leave. Todd and I decided that we just wanted it to be him and I in the room to usher in our baby girl.

At this point, I was really worried my parents, mostly my momma, wouldn't make it in time. They were flying into the Salt Lake City airport that afternoon. I was praying that Reese would hold off until she was able to make it to the hospital. I really wanted and needed to see her before Reese came. Their flight was delayed that morning, and I was trying to accept the fact that I wouldn't see her before. 

The nurse came to check me again, and I had dilated to 8.5 cm. At this point, I got a phone call from my mom, saying that they were about a half hour away. Maybe she would make it!

And sure enough, at 9 cm dilated, she walked through our door! I was overwhelmed, and the tears started pouring. I was so happy she was there. My dad and brother Hunter were there too. It was so comforting. 

Throughout the whole day, Todd was such a champ. I just remember being so grateful that he was there. He seemed so calm. He was always asking how I was doing and what I needed. Such a sweetheart. 

The next part was a big blur. All of a sudden the nurse came in and was like it's time to push! I was like, SAY WHAT? You mean this really ends with me pushing a baby out? 

The nurse asked everyone to leave, and as everyone corralled out, they gave us hugs and told us they loved us. I felt so loved and proud to be a part of such a great fam. I remember specifically though and will never forget my sweet sister-in-law Natalie coming up and giving me the biggest hug. She started tearing up and told me how much she loved me. I remember that meant so much to me because she had just had Dylan two months before, and it was almost like a subliminal "If I made it, you'll make it. You got this!"

Once they left, the nurse came in with the doctor, and he said that Reese was facing the opposite direction she was supposed to be (aka if she was facing down, she needed to be up or if she was up she needed to be down). He said the nurse was going to push with me and try to turn the head up herself and that he would come back in a little bit. During that time, I was definitely feeling contractions more than I wanted to and would be lying if I was having second thoughts about this whole baby thing. 

The nurse kept telling me that I couldn't let out any air or talk when I pushed, and I had to push for 10 seconds. Say what?! But in all the movies, the woman scream and yell and grunt, why couldn't I?! Remember when I said we didn't take any classes? Yeeeeahhhhhh. And the first time Todd tried to give me coaching advice, I don't even remember what he said, but he said to pretend like I was doing _insert some sort of activity here_ and that might help. The nurse was so quick to shoot that down. She was like, "No! Don't do that. It's nothing like that." Haha, that provided some comic relief for both of us, and we were both laughing hysterically. 

Someone told me once that pushing was like taking a big #2 (there's a dose of TMI for ya), so there I was pushing my heart out and giving it my all, only to have the nurse tell me that I needed to push harder and pretend like I was squeezing a melon out down there. She kept telling me to focus. LIKE I WAS FOCUSING ON ANYTHING ELSE. But actually I really loved this nurse. She had a thick southern accent, and I felt like God made her my nurse on purpose. Tender mercies y'all.

Todd throughout this whole ordeal held my hand and kept telling me I could do it. And every time I looked at him, I really believed I could. Love my man.

At this point I was starting to feel the contractions more and more, so I kept pressing the button. I wasn't sure if this was normal or how much pain I was supposed to feeling. After about 45 minutes, the nurse said that she wasn't turning, so she went to get Dr. Judd. Then Dr. Judd proceeded to try to turn little Reese as I pushed. 

Folks, at this point I was beyond hot mess. All filters were down, and I was in serious pain. I kept looking at Todd and saying, "I can't do this!" I was in a state of panic. It felt like I was pushing out a bowling ball, and sharp pains were slaughtering my lower back. What kept me going was that Dr. Judd told Todd to come look and sure enough Todd said, "I see her hair!" He was wide-eyed and all smiles. I could see the combo of "My daughter!" and "This is crazy and weird and wild and SO REAL!" written all over his face. 

Another half hour or so later, he said she still wasn't turning. He gave me two options. I could either keep pushing, and it could be another hour or so before she came out, or he could use forceps to turn her and get her out within five minutes. I didn't know diddly-squat about forceps, but getting her out in five minutes was all I heard. I asked what they were, and he told me he'd used them millions of times in his 43 years of birthing babies. So I said, "Here we go!" 

And that my friends is when ish got really real. Any pain I thought I was experiencing before was nothing compared to the pain from forceps. HOLY CRAP.

Dr. Judd was confused that I was feeling so much pain (that made two of us!) because I did have an epidural. He finally asked me if I wanted the anesthesiologist to come in and top off the dose. I was all, "YES, YES, YES!" Once he topped it off, he said to wait for 10 minutes for it to take effect if it would even do anything at all because I was at "the point of no return" (my words not his). Five minutes into the wait, I told Dr. Judd there was no change at all. SUPER. He said we could wait the five more minutes, or I could just push and get this baby girl out. So I put my game face on, Dr. Judd put the forceps back in, and we pushed. 

I pushed for what felt like forever. I don't even really remember much after that point, just that I was so physically exhausted that I hoped Reese just walked the rest of the way out because I really didn't think I had it in me. All I remember was Todd at that point. I just kept looking to him for comfort and coaching. He was such a champ. Really calm and super supportive. Sweet merciful, I was glad he was there. 

At this point Todd was watching the birth, and he kept telling me that he could see her! I kept thinking, "Great, but I want to be able to see her to 'cause that'll mean she's out!!" Haha. 

And then I felt a huge wave of relief wash over my body. Oh sweet relief. She was out!

Dr. Judd held her up, and it was so surreal! I seriously think that I was so loopy that I was semi-delusional. Todd cut the umbilical cord, held her for a second, but they had to rush her over to clean her lungs out because when the doctor broke my water, he could see that she had Meconium (when the baby's first poo is inside the womb, so the baby is inhaling it...thumbs up for more TMI).

The next part is the part of Reese's birth story that always made me hesitant to record it and share it. I guess I was always a little embarrassed about it. But cheers to honestly and navigating motherly emotions. Here goes...

I remember when Reese was being washed off, she was clearing out those lungs and crying her little heart out. I remember being overwhelmed by that cry. I remember thinking that she was here, we were parents, and there was no going back! I actually mostly remember keeping my eyes on Todd because first of all, he was all smiles and so incredibly tender with Reese. He immediately was talking to her like he had known her forever, comforting her while she was crying. That in and of itself brought me the greatest comfort because I knew I wouldn't be doing it alone. I also kept my eyes on him though because it was almost like I was trying to live vicariously through him, soaking in that sweet moment because I wasn't feeling any sweetness over on my end. I was only feeling exhaustion. 

After they wiped her off a little bit and cleared her lungs, they brought her over to me. And this is where I'm a little embarrassed to say that I really wasn't into holding her at that point. She was crying on my chest, and I couldn't seem to comfort her at first. I started crying. I was so overwhelmed by this little being that was now my responsibility. Then I remember Todd and my family came in to welcome Reese to the world, and don't get me wrong I had told them they could be there and even asked Todd's sister Katie to take some pictures (HA! That was a big H-E-!-@ NO). But when they all walked in, I was so out of it and so not up for small talk, I felt so bad! Thankfully my mom came over gave me a kiss and suggested they all vacate and let us rest. Gotta love that woman. 

And y'all...that's really all I remember from that night! I don't even remember when they took her away, the process of moving to another room, or even what really happened period! All I remember is that we tried breastfeeding and that it was hard at first but finally worked itself out. Then I remember seeing Todd holding her on the couch in our room. He was staring at her with the sweetest stare. I remember again being more infatuated with Todd than I was with Reese. 

I'm embarrassed to say, but I never really had that magical moment with Reese right after she was born where it was like, "Here you are my angel, I've loved you for so long, and now you're finally here!" It was more like, "You're here, this is real, and you're depending on me." I loved her, please don't get me wrong, but I was just so overwhelmed and exhausted. My life had just taken a complete 180, and I didn't know how I felt about it. The next couple of days consisted of a lot of weird bodily things, but it was so great to have nurses, Todd, and my mom helping me. The nurses would also take Reese to nursery in between feeding so I could rest and that was awesome. I had no problem letting them take her to the nursery.

Then before we knew it, it was time to take her home. It was time to take our daughter to our home. A home that would no longer just be Todd and I, but would now be Todd, Reese, and I. WOAH #3.

I'll never forget that first day that we brought her home. Todd and I came in, sat down, and stared at Reese. We both looked at each other and just started crying. We were so overwhelmed! I think bringing her home, just hit us both so hard. Really hard. We were so overwhelmed with this life-changing thing. This "no-going-back" change. 

After the tears, we laughed. We laughed at how totally incapable we felt as parents but that sure enough we were parents, so here we go!

Our catch phrase for what felt like forever was, "This is crazy." When people would ask how we were doing or what it was like, we would always respond, "It's crazy." Because it really was. Our minds didn't wrap around it for what felt like forever. We were so incredibly in love with our baby girl, but at the same time, we were such learners. Just when we felt like we had something down, something else would pop up that threw us for a loop. 

Everyone kept telling us that we wouldn't remember what life was like without her, and I can honestly say that I truly do feel that way now, but for the first few months of Reese's life, I could totally remember what life was like without her. We got sleep, we spent quality time together without worrying about her, we didn't get so upset at each other trying to navigate the whole parenting thing, and we certainly didn't have to worry about anyone else but each other. 

But then something happened...I don't know when it changed. All of a sudden things just got easier. All of a sudden, the questions as to how to help her or what to do with her weren't so stressful. All of a sudden, we had a routine, but it was okay if it changed. All of a sudden, we understood more of what each other was going through as new parents. All of a sudden, we developed this connection with Reese. This deep love that we had never experienced before. And all of a sudden, we really couldn't imagine life without our beautiful Reese Lynn Barrett. 

To all you mommas who are navigating a new baby, whether it's your first, second, third, or twentieth...be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Understand that you don't have to have all the answers. But know that you are that baby's momma, and you are entitled to all the knowledge you need to care for him or her. If there's one thing I wish someone would have told me, it is that the bottom line is that you are that baby's momma, and you have the intuition to care for it whether you know it or not. And maybe someone did tell me that...I probably just didn't believe them. But if I could go back, I would believe them. Because I know now with all my heart that it's true. I am Reese's momma, and as long as I love her unconditionally, I will always be doing my job. 

Moms>> You're doing better than you think.

I hope I haven't terrified any moms-to-be with Reese's birth story but had to record it because it happened, and no matter how hard it was, I would do it a million times over if it meant I got my Roni in the end. 

XO, Ashton Tilton