What You Don't See

I was going through my pictures on google plus (one of the best ways to keep track of pictures on your phone btw), and I came across this one.  This picture means a lot to me.  And I had totally forgotten about it.

This picture shows two parents obsessed with their little girl...but what you can't see about this picture is...

First of all we were in Columbia, South Carolina, I was 8.5 months pregnant, and we had just embarked on this crazy adventure across the country.

Second of all, I had just finished bawling my eyes out because I was nervous about a second kid, worried about Todd's new job, hated that Todd was gone ALL day and night, trying to navigate Reese's new-found tantrums and independence, and missing family and friends like crazy.

Thirdly, Todd had just crawled into bed with me and just hugged me.  Hugged me while I cried.  Hugged me while I let out all my worries and frustrations.  Then proceeded to tell me everything would be okay, and it was all gonna work out.  And without fail, every time he tells me that, I believed him.  No matter what tough thing we've gone through, we always believe each other that it's gonna be okay.  We know we'll always come out on top because we have each other.

Then Reese peeked in our room.  She had just woken up from her nap.  We had her in the pack and play but because of the twin bed next to her, she was always able to find a way to climb out of it.  When we realized she was peeking in at the door, she smiled behind her pink blanket, waiting for us to usher her in.  We said "Hi Reesey!" and the second we said hi she came barreling in the room and wrestled to climb up on the bed.  She made us both smile so big, all of our worries were erased.  We soaked up our baby girl and listened to Frozen music for like a half hour.

And then we snapped this picture.  Because we love our baby girl.  She is a light in our life.  She makes everything worth it.  We love you Reese.

Ashton Tilton Uncovered

Ashton Tilton Uncovered. I really wish I could use the crying-laughing emoji in the title of this post (like I've mentioned in previous posts, I am SO on the emoji train...why haven't they come out with more yet??).  I was trying to come up with something clever for this post, but I basically kept thinking of all the trashy magazines I read that have titles like, "How It All Fell Apart" or "My Life As An Addict" or "Inside So-and-So's Breakdown" or "So-and-so's Nightmare" or "Is She Pregnant" (I read an embarrassingly large quantity of gossip mags).  Don't worry none of those titles have anything to do with my life or what I'm going to share in the post haha, but that's what went through my head as I tried to brainstorm a title.  "About Me" seemed too boring and "Ashton's Secret Life" (the People Magazine version of this post) seemed too scandalous.  Hahaha.

So I thought I'd go with the next best People Magazine title...."Ashton Tilton Uncovered". (I'm dying inside because I can't put a crying-laughing emoji after that...I mean, HOW do people express their emotions on blogs these days?).

Even though I have an "About Me" section (boring) for this blog (if you haven't checked it out, it's at the top of the blog, under my title or click here), but I thought it might be fun to share some more things about myself that y'all might not know.  Feeling spontaneous and oddly in a revealing mood, so I hope you enjoy!  Filters are down!

1.  For most of high school and every summer in Tennessee throughout college before I got married, I scooped dog poo for work.  Okay, okay...there was a little bit more to it than that, but I was a "kennel technician".  Looked fancy on a youngin's resume, but basically I played with, fed, medicated, and "pottied" dogs.  And here's a shocker:  I loved it.  5% of the time I really hated it, but the other 95% I couldn't have been happier about it.

2.  I took a lot of art classes (mostly photography) in high school.  I wanted to go to school for photography.  I didn't have a lot of experience and still needed to learn a lot, but I applied anyway at BYU.  I didn't get in.  Tough at first, but I figured I didn't need a degree to do what I loved, so I started looking elsewhere for what I wanted to study.  

3.  Then I found teaching.  Don't ask me how I decided that or where it stemmed from, but I wanted to be an Elementary School teacher.  I wanted to work with little nuggets and teach them their ABCs.  Once I got through all the hellish GEs that colleges make you suffer through, I got into my major classes and finally got to TEACH.  And I knew.  I knew I picked the perfect fit for me.  I love teaching.  One day I will be back in a classroom.

4.  I hate cooking.  The only reason I do it, is because I take a lot of joy in sitting down together as a family (even though it's just Todd, Reese, and I) for a meal.  If I didn't find joy in that, then my family would be screwed.  Cooking is a little too tedious and messy for me.  Too much clean-up.  OH THE CLEAN-UP.  Except for I've finally trained Todd (insert crying-laughing emoji) to do the dishes after every meal.  Trained is a strong word, but a strong effort was made, so "trained" will be used.

5.  I am a hopeless romantic.  

6.  I am an artist at heart.  I kind of hate saying that because I feel like there's a stereotype associated with being artsy, but I'm sick of that, so here I am declaring that I am indeed an artist.  Or as Todd would say, I'm "artsy-fartsy".  I love to create beautiful things.  Don't get me wrong, not like VanGogh or anything.  I'm not about to draw you a self-portrait because you'd come out of the experience having very low self-esteem, BUT I do love to make things pretty.  It makes me happy.  

7.  I am Christian, and I am a Mormon.  I have faith in God and Jesus Christ.  I believe in goodness.  I have faith in the future and joy in my present because I know that I am a daughter of God.  Don't even get me started on being a child of God.  I believe that if everyone knew their divinity and what it means to be a child of God, a domino effect would ensue, and the world would change for the better.  

8.  On the subject of being a daughter of God, I'm a little bit of a feminist.  Just like being an "artist" has a stereotype, being a "feminist" definitely has a stereotype and often negative connotation.  I'm here to discount that.  I believe that women are beautiful, wonderful, and amazing.  I think the world loves to tell women that they are not enough.  That they fall short.  Not pretty enough.  Not smart enough.  Not successful enough.  Not a good mother.  Not a good wife.  You name it, the world tells us we fall short.  And I hate it.  I know how crappy it is when I feel burdened by expectations, but it really breaks my heart when I hear other women talk about how they feel less than enough.  

9.  Even though I definitely don't do it everyday, I love to lift weights.  Really love to lift weights.  I don't know what it is, but it makes me feel empowered haha.  

10.  I have two part time jobs.  I am a housing manager and work online for Google.  Both allow me to be an at home mom, which was important to me personally when I found out we were pregnant with Roni.  I got offered a teaching position to teach 6th grade, but after a lot of prayer turned it down to stay at home with Reese.  Sometimes financially it's hard, but everything has truly worked out for the best.

11.  Not about me, but it might as well be:  My husband is going to BYU to get his undergrad in Public Health, and then he applies for Physical Therapy school next summer.  The next handful of years are going to have a lot of change in store for our little family!

12.  The stress of having to plan out every second of every day to make sure I get all of my responsibilities done is sometimes so incredibly overwhelming.  Every once in a while a day comes around where I let it debilitate me.  I get down on myself for not doing it all.  Sound familiar ladies?  I'm really trying to learn to let go and realize that I can't do it all!  But some days are hard. 

13.  I love Christmas and think about it throughout the whole year.  Traditions.  Christmas lights.  Snuggling up for a movie while it's snowing outside.  Candy canes.  Remembering Christ's birth.  Christmas tree.  Festive outfits.  Hot chocolate.  Santa Claus.  Carols.  Elf.  Elf on a Shelf.  Family.  Baked goods.  Etc, etc, etc...  I love making that time of year magical for our family.  Because it's a magical time.  It really is.

14.  I have a hard time saying no to anyone.  Major flaw folks.  I often find myself saying yes, yes, yes and then later saying sorry, sorry, sorry.  Because most of the time I overdo myself and can't keep my obligations because I've said yes to so many things!  Sorry if you know me personally and that's happened before.  I really am trying to get better.  I hate it.

15.  My dream backyard is the one in Parenthood.  I dream about community, family, and friends all sharing a wonderful time with each other in a homey, warm, loving atmosphere.  The people in my life mean the world to me, and it's hard that right now my life is so busy that I don't get to spend as much time with them as I would like.  Friends and family have always been my anchor.  I love them all so freakin' much.  Wish I had all the time in the world to spend with each of them personally, so they knew how much they mean to me.  

16.  I better stop here because you're getting bored haha.  But I also really love nail polish.  Obsessed.  OCD.  The end.

In the comment section (even if you've never left a comment before in your entire life!) share with me 3 things about you that I don't know, and if you're a reader who just follows along, introduce yourself!  I would love to get to know my readers!  

Love y'all.  Thanks for your support and kindness.  
Happy Thursday!  One more day till Friday!  Hollaaaaa.

XO, Ashton Tilton

Guest Post: Brittany York

My heart is full today.  Today, my blog takes a turn in the direction I want it to go.  I want this place to be a place where I share the joys and downfalls of my day to day.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I place where I share what's on my mind and in my heart.  A place where I share my passions and what makes me happy.   But where I also share the tough stuff.  I figure that maybe as I share those things, others will recognize that they're not the only ones going through tough stuff.  Building a community.  Sharing the stories of all kinds of women.  A place where we are real and honest.  Because sometimes honesty is hard to come by.  But here I am today, introducing one of my first guest writers who proves to me that we are not the only ones who struggle as mamas.  That no one's perfect...and that's okay. 

Brittany York is a fellow southern lady from the land of Louisiana.  She is a beautiful wife to her hubby and a mama bear to her beautiful boys Knox and Madden.  She is a fashion guru and shares her love for fashion with the gramming world through her photos of life in Louisiana with her two wild and stylish boys.  The greatest thing about this mama is that she is just as radiant on the inside as she is on the outside.  This one's got a heart of gold, and today she shares a piece of it.  She knows that life is not always as picture perfect as we see it portrayed in social media and that's okay, because that's reality.  She is my favorite kind of woman.  Real, honest, and equipped with a beautiful heart.

"Yesterday was a hard day. One of those days where at the end of it you are lying in bed too exhausted to even sleep, needing a shower after going three straight days without one, and staring at the piles of clean clothes that appear to be dirty because they haven't been folded since they were pulled out of the dryer three...no four days ago.

Yesterday was a long day. The kids woke up early and cranky, demanding chocolate cake for breakfast, crying because they had to settle for oatmeal, and then throwing sippy cups across the table at each other because one of them looked at the other one.  The bickering continued as I attempted to brush my teeth and comb my hair…..Madden yelling at Knox and pushing him for putting a finger on his toy, Knox crying and assuming it’s the end of the world because Madden wouldn’t share his toy …… and so on it went for the rest of the day…..fighting, crying, whining, and repeat.  Yesterday was a really long day.

Yesterday I questioned my role as teacher and provider for my kids. I wondered if I was doing something wrong as I watched a two year old count to 50 and sing his ABC’s and thought about my four year old who can only count to ten and thinks every letter is an A or a K. Yesterday I let my child eat dog food off the floor because frankly if he prefers that over the organic chicken nugget he was holding in the other hand he should have it.

Yesterday I lost my temper. Yesterday I hurt their feelings. Yesterday I felt overwhelmed. Yesterday I had a dirty house.  Yesterday I was exhausted. Yesterday I felt less than myself. Yesterday I felt inadequate for this job. Do I teach them enough? Am I disciplining them the right way?  Am I a good mom?

And scrolling through my Instagram feed at the end of yesterday only made the questions in my mind burn even more. There was that question again……. Am I a good mom? That’s the beauty (or ugly truth) of social media. Everyone can make anything look picture perfect. And it can make you wonder…. "Am I doing something wrong?”  You can pick and choose the pictures and words to document a fairytale life. I am guilty of the same thing….I know I am. I get asked often, “How are you so perfect? How do you keep it together? ” Let me be the first to apologize to you if I have ever given you that impression……. I am not perfect……far from it actually. I will never have myself put together every day and I will never have this mom thing figured out.

Do not get me wrong, I love social media! I enjoy being able to connect with people; being able to support and love and learn from mamas and families in every corner of the world from right where I sit in my tiny little home. But it has also been a curse….each day seeing pictures in my feed of a perfectly clean and decorated home, and a perfectly put together family in perfectly put together outfits with their perfect face and their perfect hair. And again…. this is me too…. I will not deny it….But what you don’t see when scrolling through your social media feed are all the behind the scene images. You don’t see the tantrums on the floor, the toys all over the living room floor, and the dirty dishes in the sink. You dn’t see the images of yesterday, when I was tired and broken, praying for just the strength to make it through the day and asking forgiveness from God and my children, because yesterday…..I failed them.

I failed them……….

Yesterday was hard. But today was a new day. We had snuggles in the morning and butterfly pancakes for breakfast. We went outside and played in the sprinkler, fed the ducks, and chased lizards in the backyard. We came in and the boys played together quietly on the floor while I put on some makeup and drank a cup of coffee. We laughed, and we read, and we wrestled, and we played. I saw so much joy beam out of their faces, and as I tucked them in to bed Madden kissed me and told me I was the best mommy ever. And as I laid down for bed….still ignoring the pile of clothes needing to be folded….I felt the urge to go wake them both again…..to go cuddle them some more and to tell them how much I love being their mommy. Today was such a good day.

I say all of this to remind you that if you are feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or less than…..KNOW that you are a good mom, a good wife, a good friend. You have not failed. Just because you lose your temper, have a never-ending, exhausting day or week, kids that throw tantrums at the slightest little thing, or find your breaking point….YOU are a GREAT MOM! The beauty of this life is that we get second chances over and over to make up for the yesterdays. Every day is a new day to be the better you. Do not feel inadequate and do not feel alone. Every mother who has ever lived has experienced these same moments and these same trials. Life is not a flawless Instagram feed. Those little white borders between each happy and perfect picture tells a much deeper story….the dirty, sad, and angry stuff that no one wants to post. Bad days happen, but they don’t last forever.

Being a mama is hard. Really freakin hard! But no one tells you how hard it is because they honestly don’t remember. Because the good days somehow trample and erase all the bad days. Hang in there Mama. Tomorrow is a new day.

Yesterday was not the end.  And today I was a better mother."

XO, Brittany York