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Guilty as Charged: Oh yeah folks. Don't be decieved by that little face. No siree, don't let her get ya. Spittin' all her food out. Clingin' to me like crazy. Climbin' up stuff and nailin' her head on all sorts of furniture. Naps were at the bottom of her to-do list today and at the top of mine. She was bein' a bit of a punk today. But I guess I would know...I was bein' a punk too. Dang it.
Today, I was a brat. Have you ever had one of those days? Everything is taken the wrong way, you lash out, and maybe say something you know you'll regret? Well I really hate to say it, but yesterday was that day for me. Like...I really hate to say it. After "the incident" (I'll tell in a second), I was so embarrassed, I cried. Sweet merciful, PMS anyone? So here goes...my embarrassing "incident".
As my sister-in-law in would say, yesterday I was at a rapid boil. I was running around trying to get errands done, and Reese was doing actually really great, but when we got to the mall (our first stop), I pulled out the stroller and sure enough it would not open. I don't have to tell you how much that sucked. My 25 lb babe can do the talking for that one. By the time we finished in the mall, my left arm was so sore I thought it was going to fall off. #butforreal. And I wasn't even halfway done with the errands I needed to do. Oh...and I had sweaty tacos. Sweet.
The time came to go pick up Buns from work, so off we went. Todd got off early, and I was stoked about it. As I pulled up to pick him up, I got in the back because Reese was freaking out. 5 minutes go by, no Buns. Reese spits binky out repeatedly in between screams. 15 minutes go by, no Buns. Reese is red as a tomato from all the crying. A half hour later, and I'm ready to ditch Todd to fend for himself. Love that man, but not so much when he's 30 minutes later than when he said, and Reese is having a meltdown because I'm a horrible mom and skipped out on her afternoon nap.
Right as I'm ready to leave, Todd opens the door to the car and gets in. As soon as he got in, I was just glad he was finally there, and my rapid boil was at a simmer. And then the incident began...
Right as Todd got in the car, I got a text from a tenant of the complex I manage asking where I was? I was supposed to check out a tenant that day but had called and texted them earlier letting them know I was taking a 4-day weekend for Labor Day per my boss. He was taking off Friday and told me that I could too. Well, obviously this tenant didn't get the message. I told him I was sorry but that I would be unable to meet for check out, so just to leave the keys to the apartment in the dropbox.
And then he got upset. He wanted to be there with me when I checked them out and was mad that I didn't contact him personally. I had called his wife and asked that she relay the message because I didn't have his number. He didn't want to be held responsible for any unnecessary charges I might add.
Cue my composure flying right out the window. Who the haaaaaail did this guy think he was? And y'all...I lost it. My walls went up, and I was ready to throw down. Am I allowed to attribute 75% of that behavior on PMS? Please tell me I'm not the only one??
To make a long story short, I was extremely rude and ended up agreeing to meet them at "my inconvenience". WHO AM I? Freaking Gregg Popovich, that's who.
So there I was walking through their apartment with the wife and being a total....well, another word for bum+hat. Sorry, but that's the perfect description. (Geeeez I'm kind of regretting writing this now, but admitting it is the first step to recovery right? Haha...insert nervous laugh here)
And that's that. We finished, they passed, she gave me the key, and it was done.
I walked home to Todd, came in the door, and you know that really grimy, heavy, horrible feeling you get after you know you said or did something you'd regret? As I walked into our house, I swear it was like someone dumped the green slime from that old school Nickelodeon game show "Figure It Out" right on me as I walked through our front door (click here). I finally came down off of that entitled ledge I was sitting on and realized just how incredibly rude and ridiculous I had been. Ohhhh the wave of embarrassment. Ohhhh the guilt. And there was Reese sittin' on her romp, smilin' all big and beautiful and innocent at me. Cue second bucket of slime. I felt like in a weird way that I had let Reese down. That I was a bad example and a bad mom. Is that the kind of example I wanted to set for Reese? Is that how I wanted her to learn to react when people do things that tick you off? Do I want her to get up on that ledge of entitlement, thinking that because she was wronged it gives her the right to be mean and rude? Yeah...I really nailed that one. Thumbs up momma.
You know what? I failed. I failed pretty epicly. I lost it. I let my anger take over and really acted in a selfish way. I've been thinking about what happened ever since yesterday. It really bothered me. I tried to think through the exact moment that I turned into a witch and why, and I came to the conclusion that the moment I felt the finger was being pointed at me, that's when this switch went off. It was like I turned off my brain and totally let my heart and emotions do the thinking. That can be bad mojo y'all! If I would've let my brain do the thinking, I would've thought through the possible outcomes of behaving rashly and rudely. I would've thought to myself, "You know what, they obviously didn't get the message in time, and if I were them I would want to be there during check out because money can be tight, and they probably want to make sure that if anything wasn't cleaned properly, they can fix it before the deposit refunds are sent back out. They probably wanted to spend time together on a Friday night too and were bothered that they came all the way out to do check out, and I wasn't there. You know...they're only human too Ashton, and maybe it was a rough day for them, and that was just one more thing that went wrong, pushing them over the edge. Maybe they just needed to be given a break. Just like you."
Bottom line...you just never know what people are going through. Bottom line, everyone deserves a little more benefit of the doubt. And even if they don't deserve it...who cares? Be the better person. Take the higher ground. Be kind and understanding and a little less judgmental. Be slow to anger and quick to forgive and understand. Be a friend. Be a true friend.
Maybe you have something you regret saying or doing. Maybe you acted a little rashly or rudely. Well, as you now know, you're not the only one! But you're human like the rest of us, and all it takes is an apology. And that can be hard. That can be really hard. But I promise it's worth it. Not because they'll necessarily forgive you right away, but because it's good for your soul. Forgiveness, whether being offered or received, is freeing and beautiful. So, cheers to forgiveness and cheers to being able to try, try, and try again. Cheers to imperfections. Cheers to sometimes losing it. But most importantly, cheers to change and trying to be a little better each day.
Have a beautiful weekend y'all.
❤, Ashton Tilton
P.S. Thanks for the support y'all give me. Your comments and emails always mean the world to me. You remind me that I'm not the only one who sucks at life sometimes, haha. So thanks, youda best!
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (John 14:27)
Yesterday was a little okay, a lot on the cray-cray side. We're talking laundry flying, dishes piling, work meetings overloading, feeling the burn of a perpetual to-do list frying my brain, emotions boiling, and honestly y'all, just feeling like I wasn't being the homemaker, mom, and wifey I should be. I let myself get so overwhelmed with this concept of what I should be and what should be done at the end of the day, that I let it affect my attitude which spilled over to how quickly I was to get frustrated with Buns and Reese. I was a hot mess. YIKES!
After a "come to Jesus" moment with myself last night, I hit the pillow with a determination to figure out how to lessen the stress I put on myself as a wife, mom, homemaker, and employee. Something had to give.
And here I am writing this post in efforts to share something I learned about this nasty thing called...perfectionism.
Perfectionism: an attitude or behavior that takes an admirable desire and turns it into an unrealistic expectation to be perfect now. I pulled this from a talk/devotional I read this morning by Gerrit W. Gong (click here to read entire devotional) on becoming perfect in Christ and how that's different from perfectionism. This definition of perfectionism kind of rocked my world y'all. I felt like all of a sudden I had a circle of pointer-finger emojis circling round my head implicating me as a victim of this condition. I was immediately sucked in and wanted to know how the heck do I overcome that unrealistic expectation? Are you a victim of it too? Let's kick this to the curb together!
Do you have fears of being imperfect? Do you fear making mistakes? Do you feel your not good enough? Do you view yourself as a failure compared to others? Do you feel you're not doing enough to merit His love? Are you left feeling sleepless, anxious, discouraged, or depressed? These are all feelings Gong helps us navigate in his devotional on perfection.
If you are feeling any of these things to any extent, I have the most wonderful and greatest news...there is an out! We can let go of the anxiety, discouragement, and exhaustion that results from trying to live up to those unrealistic expectations. We can embrace the peace, joy, and assurance that we are enough. And we can find that relief through our Savior, Jesus Christ! Our Savior's love frees us and allows us to let go of the fears of imperfection and not adding up. His love allows us to be more forgiving of ourselves and the people around us. As we try to be more kind, humble, and selfless like our Savior was, we can be released of the pressure to be perfect. Released I tell you! Being perfected through Christ does not mean being perfect now. Being perfected through Christ means embarking on the "eternal journey of our soul" and understanding that we are here on the earth to experience lifelong refinement. It's totally refreshing if you ask me! No one is required to be perfect and guess what? No one is perfect! We are all children of God learning and growing together. We're just trying to make sense of who we are and what our purpose is.
Something else I thought was powerful in the devotional was that the harder we try to be perfect, the further we feel from the perfection we seek. Can I get an amen?! (Insert hands in the "ayer" emoji) This brought me to the word I put in the photo above: Simplify. Getting back to the basics. Filling your day with f a i t h. Filling your day with h o p e. If you don't like where you are in your life and are feeling unhappy, I challenge you to find the goodness in your circumstances. Actually get out a pen and paper and jot down some things your grateful for today. And if you can't even brainstorm one thing because you're feeling so helpless, I'll kick start that list for you...You are a child of God. And that makes you beautiful. That makes you good enough. You have something inside of you that no one else has. Harness who you are. Embrace your gifts and talents. I promise they are unique and something that no one else has to offer! Strengthen your circle of influence. Reaching out to others always seems to make us forget about ourselves. Strengthen the relationships with the people around you: your children, husband, friends, coworkers, mom, grandma, cousins, and the list goes on. Send one text today to a person you've been meaning to get in touch with or someone you just want to know is thought of and loved. It will brighten your day and it will certainly brighten their day.
Cheers to finding goodness in unexpected places, and cheers to being YOU.
❤, Ashton Tilton
You may look at that first picture and think, "Oh my what a cute little babe!" You may even look at the second picture, throw your head back in laughter, and think, "Oh my what a cute, funny, little babe!"
These were pictures from bath-time yesterday, and yesterday I would have 100%, without-a-doubt disagreed with you. Yesterday, I did not think Reese was too cute. Not too cute at all. (Okay maybe for just part of the day, but if you caught me at that certain, particular, hellish time of day...she was not being cute.)
Let me explain.
Sunday mornings are my favorite. We get to sleep in, and Todd doesn't have to go to work. We eat a yummy breakfast together, and I soak up every mostly every second. Okay let's be real...ever since church has been moved to 1pm, I have to admit that part of me can't enjoy Sunday mornings because there's the ominous possibility of the really hellish experience of trying to get Reese to nap in church. This just in: she doesn't nap during church. And she really, really, really needs to. So Sunday afternoons, particularly Sunday school when Todd's teaching and I'm in charge of Reese, I hate to admit it, but they are not always my favorite time of the day.
This process is nothing new, as we've had this time of church for the whole year. There's always the struggle, but I feel like the pain of the struggle has lessened tremendously because my arms have gradually built up strength to the point where I can hold her while she's flailing. And she's no lightweight. But for some reason, Roni decided to really give me a run for my money this Sunday.
First let's talk about my attire. Which was probably the culprit that multiplied my frustration times infinity. Pencil skirt, tucked in blouse, teardrop necklace, and pointy high heels (from the single and ready to mingle days). Let's go through each item of clothing and why it posed an incredible threat to my sanity. The pencil skirt: sweaty, sweaty, sweaty (I swear the heat was cranked in church). The blouse: kept coming untucked...all. day. long. The teardrop necklace: biggest mistake yet...grab after grab after grab. Never again! (Or at least until an adequate amount of time has passed for me to forget how hellish the grabbing was). Lastly...THE HEELS. Curse words, curse words, curse words. Heels that were not made for mothers who have to hold and rock their 21 pound baby to sleep. I repeat...never again! All of this compounded with the fact that Reese was freaking out, but not freaking out to the extent that I felt like I needed to leave the room. I was in over my head. And throughout this whole ordeal, I kept trying to maintain composure and pretend like I wasn't sweating my guts out.
Finally Reese ended up on a blanket on the floor in the hall of church trying to work through her wiggles and troubles. I ended up on the floor next to her. Barefoot, shirt untucked, necklace off, hair in a fat bun smack-dab on the top of my head, and is it ridiculous that it felt like this huge burden was lifted? I felt like I could breathe! Why didn't I do this sooner?
I don't know why I felt so stuck in that room. Like I had to stay for the lesson unless Reese was totally a basket case, only then would it be okay for me to leave. The real question was why the heck did I not kick my heels off, throw my hair in a bun, and untuck my blouse sooner? I would've been so much more comfortable!
I think I had another pivotal moment in this whole process as a momma. It is okay to not have it together. It is okay to throw your hair up and kick off your heels. Because what it all comes down to is that little baby of yours and being yourself.
I came across a quote today that hit the nail right on the head about the attitude I should've had about Reese's escapade, her lack of sleep, and my total discomfort.
"Embrace the glorious mess that you are." (Elizabeth Gilbert)
Because we're all messes. And every mess is glorious. Crazy, beautiful, and glorious in our own way. I guess I'm just learning as I go folks, and I definitely learned a lot yesterday. Sorry for all the whining in this post, but I really feel like I hit a milestone as a mom yesterday. Cheers to being a work in progress!
XO, Ashton Tilton
